The Wages of Sin
by Nerwen Aldarion
Summary: Co written by Tinuviel Undomiel: AU from 4X10 Fugue in Red. Lisbon let Jane go still in his fugue state, almost a year later his memories return and he is furious that she let him go and refuses to forgive her. But Jane begins to recognize that things happened after he left, things he cannot remember. And Red John is playing a brand new game...but it isn't with Jane. Jisbon
1. Original Sin

Disclaimer: We own nothing

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: Last year after watching the episode Fugue in Red I decided to go online and look up some fics. I stumbled across this fic called _Procellus_ by Brown Eyes Parker, I was intrigued by the idea of "What if Lisbon let Jane go?" and then my own idea of what could have happened starting working its way through my mind. I debated it for a while and then started writing stuff down. 74 pages of excerpts later I knew I needed to post this story one day and my sister agreed. It was set when through Lavinia and The Best Mistake I became fast friends with Brown Eyes Parker and discovered she was the author of the fic that inspired this one. I guess it really was meant to be.

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: So glad my sister started this story, its one of the best ones. Of course I say that for all of her ideas. This chapter is all her, but next chapter I take a crack at this AU. Cat is one of my favorite characters in this story, she's just so cute. And I love Red John here. One of the first times we truly use our favorite foe and boy does he play a huge role in this story. I hope you like it.

**Note: This fic is an AU from Fugue in Red, that means things are different. For one, Wainwright is alive and well! Jane being gone like this means that he didn't get killed in Nevada. For another, Benjamin Rigsby does NOT exist. We thought about adding him in but in the end we realized that Rigsby still having a baby with Sarah just did not fit our vision of this fic, more than that, we both really hated that storyline so since this is an AU we are just going to pretend that it never happened because really, it works out better for the story this way.**

* * *

The Wages of Sin

Chapter 1: Original Sin

_For the wages of sin is death…_ _Romans 6:23_

_When Jane walked in with the pretty brunette in the tight dress Lisbon was certain that the man she'd grown close to for so many years was gone. That thought terrified her to no end, she wanted him back, she wanted to be selfish here and put Jane back to the way he was._

_ But she couldn't._

_ His pleading, "I'm happy now… just let me be happy" kept repeating in her head. It was true; he was free from pain, guilt and depression. Unfortunately he was also cruel, selfish and a real jackass. His charm was still there but it wasn't the good kind, he reminded her of a snake now, one intent on only getting exactly what he wanted._

_ She did what she could to hide that bit of pain that he was leaving, even when she handed over his paycheck. He scoffed at the amount which was so different from the old Jane, the one who used to just pocket the checks and get back to work. Money had meant nothing to him then. _

_ Now all the man wanted to do was leave so he could con people to get it._

_ He gave them all a grand goodbye, making a terrible pun that the old Jane would have rolled his eyes at before turning around with the chippy on his arm._

_ Lisbon watched him leave with a heavy heart, wishing that things were different but hating that it would mean causing the man she cared about more than anyone, so much pain. For a second she changed her mind, she hurried out of the bullpen and down the hall. "Jane!"_

_ He stopped and turned, giving her his toothpaste smile. "Yes?"_

_ She stared at him, perfect hair, trophy girl on his arm, the exact opposite of the man she wanted him to be._

_ But his eyes weren't haunted by blood and demons either._

_ "I'll miss you," she told him honestly, instantly regretting that her voice was soft with longing._

_ There was a knowing smirk on his face. "I have a feeling I'll be seeing you soon."_

_ Lisbon wondered about that as she stumbled back to the bullpen, angry at herself for letting him go and sad because she knew that she might never see him again. "God he's such an ass now," Grace declared._

_ "How does he do it?" Rigsby wondered, "be a jerk but still get a girl like that?"_

_ "He cons them," Cho muttered from his desk, "now he's going to go out and con more people."_

_ There was a long moment of silence as they all recognized that their friend was undoubtedly going to go out and do very bad things…and they were going to let him. It was Grace who turned to look at Lisbon, her eyes filled with hope. "Is there something we can do…something that can help him get his memory back?"_

_ Lisbon looked away, haunted by an idea that had formed in her mind days ago. Yes there might be a way to help him remember, it would mean forcing him to relive the worst moment of his life though. She'd seen him go through so much pain, it terrified her that she would have to cause him more._

_ "I'm happy now…just let me be happy."_

_ She shook her head and lied. "No, there's nothing we can do." Lisbon turned and walked towards her office to convince herself that she was doing the right thing._

_ She could live with this sin_

* * *

_10 Months Later_

New Orleans, Louisiana was riding high on Mardi Gras and Harrah's Hotel and Casino was filled to the brim of rich fat cats willing to drink and gamble away their money as a part of the festivities. Patrick Jane was only too happy to help them part ways with some of their cash. First he played a little poker, with two very lovely ladies flanking him for "luck", not that he needed it but they provided a good distraction for the men at the table. He'd won easily, racking in over a quarter million in one game. Not bad.

Now it was time to for his favorite part, putting on a show.

Sherry was helping him put on his make up so the lights didn't wash him out, it was important he dazzle everyone, especially the ladies. "There, all done."

"Thanks, baby," He told her, making her blush and smile. Oh he could have her eating out of his hand if he really wanted to.

He got out of the chair and checked his appearance one last time. Perfect hair, dazzling smile and a pristinely tailored suit.

Show time.

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"You think he's really here?" Rigsby asked as Cho pulled the rental car into the parking lot outside of the casino. It had been hell getting through traffic from the airport with the parades going on and the streets lined with masked people, all celebrating the festival by catching plastic beads and getting drunk.

"There's drunk stupid rich people around," Cho pointed out, "of course he's here." Cho pulled out his cell phone and punched in Lisbon's number, after two rings she answered. "Yeah, we're at the casino."

"Have you seen him yet?"

"Still looking," Cho said, actually glancing around the room.

"I know where he's at," Rigsby told him, pointing to a sign that was standing up in the middle of the floor. _Featuring the Amazing Psychic Patrick Jane shows at 9:00 and 10:30_

Cho nodded. "He's got a show going on right now."

He heard Lisbon's ragged sigh. She wasn't surprised, none of them were but he knew it had to hurt her to be right this time. "Okay, you know what to do. Just…don't tell him anything."

"Right, boss." He hung up his phone and turned back to Rigsby. "Let's get him."

"But he's on stage."

Cho didn't care, just walked through the doors, flashing his badge when an usher tried to stop him.

Their old friend was on stage…except this man was nothing like the Patrick Jane they knew so well.

He was framed by bright lights, a microphone in his hand, his other was pointed out towards the audience and he had his eyes closed. It was as if he was concentrating very hard on hearing the spirits, though they knew it was just an act.

"I'm sensing something," he said and a hush fell over the room, "a woman…Caroline."

"That's my mother's name!" A woman from the third row piped up.

"Yes, your mother," Jane said, smiling now. "She died recently…suddenly…it was a heart attack."

"How did you—?"

"Shhh," Jane told her stepping closer, "She's speaking to me." He paused for a long time, as if listening and waiting. "Dragonflies."

"She loved dragonflies," the woman said.

"That's her pendant, you wear it now because it reminds you of her," Jane told her. "I'm getting something else…she wants you to know that she's watching out for you and the baby."

Now she gasped again. "How did you know I was pregnant?"

"I told you, your mother is speaking to me," Jane replied smoothly, "she wants you to know that she will be watching her granddaughter grow up, so don't feel sad. She sees you and her everyday, she loves you both so much."

Cho and Rigsby exchanged looks, they knew this game very well. In a few more minutes the "reading" was over and Jane exited the stage to thunderous applause. That is when Cho and Rigsby made their way to the backstage area where he would be getting unwinding, probably waiting for some groupie to come by wanting a private session.

Well they were going to disappoint him.

They didn't wait for him to answer when they knocked, they just barged right in. His charming smile fell once he saw them again, now looking very confused. "Agents Cho and Rigsby, well you're a long way from California. What brings you here?"

"We're taking you back to Sacramento, Jane," Rigsby explained.

A slow easy smile crossed his features. "Ah, you need my help with a case. Well I'm sorry but I'm much too busy to do something as mundane as police work. But if I'm back in California I might stop by and lend a hand…maybe."

"This isn't about a case."

Now he looked a little surprise, perhaps even a little upset. "Teresa is behind this."

"She needs you," Cho acknowledged.

"I imagine she truly believes that," Jane said softly. "But we all know that she is better off without me. She's a strong woman, she'll be fine."

"Jane, you _have_ to come back."

He just shook his head. "No, I'm perfectly fine where I am. But do give Teresa my warmest regards."

"You don't have a choice," Cho told him firmly.

"What are you going to do? Drag me out of here in handcuffs."

"That's exactly what we'll do." Cho and Rigsby stepped forward; Rigsby grabbed him while Cho pulled out the handcuffs.

Jane was actually amused by this. "What exactly are you charging me with?"

"Theft, fraud, being an ass," Cho replied.

"You can't prove any of it."

"No," he agreed, "but you'll still have to come back to California anyways."

The pulled him out of the room while several women gawked at the three men. Jane smiled confidently. "This seems like a bit much for just what happened between Teresa and me." He caught the look in Cho's eyes. "Unless this isn't…what's really going on?"

Cho shook his head. "You can't know it yet."

Jane raised an eyebrow. "Whatever it is, it must be terrible then."

He was surprised when Rigsby gave him an honest reply. "Yeah…it is."

* * *

Lisbon was shut up in her office quietly waiting for the phone call she knew was coming. Sometimes she stood up and began to pace the vacant place by the white couch, she couldn't stay still. Even with her long sleeved sweater and her jacket, she still felt chilled, like she couldn't get warm anymore. It wasn't an unfamiliar feeling; it had been haunting her for the past two months. Along with the paranoia, the gut wrenching fear and the tight itchy skin of her arms.

It was all a giant mess…and she only had herself to blame.

A wave of regret washed over her and Lisbon suddenly felt the strong urge to cry. She'd done a lot of that in the past couple of months, tears of anger and pain but mostly sadness and fear. It was strange that she was beginning to learn how to live with terror.

She sat down on the couch and tried to get her emotions in check, she was torn between wanting to cry and wanting to crawl under the blankets and pretend that everything was okay. All she could do was sit and try to stay calm.

"Boss…you okay?" She hadn't even noticed that her friend had come in.

Grace was standing in the doorway, looking concerned. That was the permanent expression she always saw on Grace's face these days. "Cho and Rigsby haven't called yet, but they should have Jane and be getting on the plane with him soon," Lisbon told her.

"That isn't what I asked."

Lisbon nodded glumly. "I'm as okay as I can be these days, you know how hard it is now."

Now her friend looked sad, she crossed the room and sat down next to her. "It's going to be okay."

"No, it's not," Lisbon told her honestly, "I am in so much trouble right now and Jane is going to be back in the thick of it. He's going to torture Jane again and there is nothing I can do about it." She looked away, her eyes towards the doorway, as if Jane would walk right in again. "He's going to be angry with me when he remembers."

Grace couldn't refute that claim even though she wished she could. "How are you going to do it?" she asked her, "How are you going to get him to remember?"

Lisbon stared back at her, trying to figure out how to explain something she didn't want to talk about. The truth was that it was mostly guesswork and she was terrified because she had a feeling that it would work…but she wanted so desperately to be wrong about him.

Before she could answer Grace's question, her cell phone rang. Lisbon grabbed her phone to answer it, knowing immediately who it was. "Cho, do you have him?"

"Yeah, we've got him. Taking him to the airport now."

Lisbon felt a little relieved, but not much. "Okay, Cho. I need you to do exactly as I say."

"All right."

"I need you to take Jane to his home in Malibu. Don't take him here; take him straight to his home and upstairs to the master bedroom. Let him go in alone. Don't tell him anything, just let him do it by himself."

There was a very long moment of silence. She knew that Cho recognized what all of this probably meant, he might even know what they would see when they got to Jane's old home. Finally he spoke. "Okay, we'll do that."

"Thank you, Cho," she replied.

They both hung up, there was no need to exchange goodbyes and she was sure she would hear from him again in a few hours when they landed in California. She set the phone down as if it was too heavy to hold; it felt like all of her sins were weighing on her.

And she knew she would be paying for them very soon.

"How did you know he had his old home?" Grace asked softly.

Lisbon finally met her eyes. "When he was arrested for Carter's murder, they checked what properties he owned. None here but he still had his house in Malibu."

"And seeing it again is going to help him remember?"

"Not the house," Lisbon told her honestly, "What's in it."

"What is it?"

But Lisbon didn't answer; she couldn't form the words to explain what she knew the guys would be seeing soon.

The truth was too horrible to imagine.

* * *

Cho unlocked Jane's handcuffs when the finally touched down in California, obviously recognizing that there would be no point in running now. He relaxed against the back seat of the cab; Rigsby was far too tense next to him. "Where exactly are you taking me?"

"You'll see," Cho told him vaguely.

The ride took a while but it did take them to a very beautiful neighborhood. This wouldn't be a bad place to settle down…if he actually wanted to settle down which he didn't. The driver pulled up on the side of very large home and Jane smiled. "That's a nice house."

"It's yours," Cho said, all of them getting out excepting the driver who was told to wait there.

The two guys escorted him up the home and Jane suddenly didn't want to be there anymore. He was getting a very bad feeling, like a pressure building inside of him. He knew that there was something they hadn't been telling him, a terrible tragedy that they had been tiptoeing around. He didn't want to know, he didn't want to be destroyed.

But they weren't going to take no for an answer.

They led him into the home and it was completely empty save for the tricycle that was across the room. A child…this was worse than he'd thought.

The walk up the stairs was silent as the grave but the guys stopped when they saw the closed door at the end of the hallways. He knew instinctively that whatever terrible thing they were going to reveal…he was supposed to go through this alone. He didn't want to take those last few steps but he couldn't stop himself, curiosity was a curse.

A note…there was a note on the door.

But no, that wasn't there anymore. Why did he think about that?

With barely controlled tremors he opened the door and saw an image from his nightmares.

And just like that, he remembered.

In his mind he saw the images of his wife and daughter, cut to ribbons in front of him. His family destroyed, all for his own actions and vices. It was him, his fault, his sin. All he could do was stand there and let the pain come to him, just as the tears fell from his eyes.

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Rigsby and Cho had quietly stepped away, but not before catching a glimpse of the room that contained nothing but an old mattress and blood on the wall. They stepped outside of the house, not wanting to be in there with the ghosts that haunted it. Jane needed to do this alone just as Lisbon said.

"I didn't think it was that bad," Rigsby remarked, looking up at that house, "did you?"

"Yes," Cho replied. It was the truth, for the most part.

"He must have come here sometimes…why would he do that? Why would he want to sleep under that?"

"Why does he want to sleep in the attic?" Cho asked, "It's who he is."

Rigsby was quiet, that was as close of an answer as they would get and it was probably the truth. They had all stopped trying to figure out why Jane did the things he did, the one who knew the most about him was Lisbon. But right now she was six hours away.

"Do you think it worked?" Rigsby asked, again neither one of them had an answer.

They waited for a very long time before Jane slowly stepped out of the house, he looked terrible, haggard and years older.

Like himself again.

"What happened?" He asked, his voice was low and soft, he didn't have the same mischievous look in his eye either.

"What do you remember?" Cho asked him.

Jane met his eyes. "We were at the crime scene, a firefighter was murdered, I was looking around by the water. Now we are at my house, I'd like to know why."

Rigsby and Cho exchanged looks. "Uh, you were attacked at the scene, you nearly drowned. The doctors said you were in a dissociative fugue state," Rigsby explained to him. "You didn't remember much about who you were...you didn't remember anything with Red John or us."

Jane nodded, taking a moment to accept this information. "I had amnesia…that's…that's unbelievable." He turned around to look back at the house, putting a finger to his lips as the thought about all of this. "How long?"

"Almost eleven months," Cho answered.

His eyes widened at the word _months_. "And you have been trying to get me out of it for that long?" Again they looked at one another and Jane must have known then. "What did I do?"

"You were like you were before," Rigsby told him honestly.

Cho was even more blunt. "You were an ass."

"Where was I?"

"Everywhere, we picked you up in New Orleans after you did a psychic show." Jane pressed his lips into a firm line then, recognizing that he really had gone back to being a conman, swindler and a scoundrel. Cho continued, "Lisbon told us to bring you here to jog your memory."

The mention of Lisbon sparked something in him. He met Cho's eyes in a flash. "How did I leave?"

"What?" Rigsby asked.

"How did I leave?" Jane repeated, "Why did I go?"

They both hesitated, glancing at one another before finally revealing the truth. "Lisbon let you go."

He nodded his head, expecting that answer but there was no denying that this was affecting him. Jane turned away again so that Cho and Rigsby couldn't see him. They didn't know exactly what he was thinking but they had a feeling he was not only processing the fact that he'd been back to being a con artist for eleven months, that he didn't remember a minute of it and most of all…that Lisbon was the one who had agreed to let him go in the first place.

She'd let him go…and hadn't decided to bring him back until now.

Finally Jane turned back, his face a stone cold mask, he wasn't letting anyone see how he was feeling now.

"Take me back to Sacramento.

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Jane didn't say another word on the car ride back to the airport; neither did Rigsby or Cho for that matter. He mostly looked out the window, staring out at the passing scenery but not seeing any of it really. Nearly a year was completely blank and that was horrifying, especially when he had no idea what he had done or what else had happened.

He didn't ask until they were waiting at the terminal for their flight, finally curiosity was getting the best of him. "What happened in the past year?"

"What do you want to know?" Rigsby asked, a bit confused on how to answer the potentially loaded question.

"Anything, everything."

He thought about it for a moment before finally saying the first thing that popped into his head. "The Giants won the Superbowl."

Jane turned his head to give Rigsby an incredulous look, making it very clear that was the last thing on his mind. But then Jane shook his head and let out a small bark of laughter. "Thanks, Rigsby…but I was hoping for something more relevant." He met their eyes. "What's changed since I've been gone?"

"Not much," Rigsby said far too quickly, meaning something had changed drastically.

"Really? After nearly a year nothing has changed, not at all?"

He looked away and shrugged. "Small things."

Jane raised an eyebrow. "Such as…?"

Cho rolled his eyes and cut to the chase mercifully. "Lisbon had a baby."

It took a few seconds for those words to sink in. He hadn't ever thought that that "Lisbon" would in any way be connected to the word "baby". The first thing he felt was something very close to pain, like a loss. Then that was replaced by anger, that emotion came easily because of everything that was gone from him now…because of her.

But that didn't leave Rigsby off the hook.

Jane glared at him. "Small things?"

Rigsby looked sheepish now. "Well she is small."

"She? Lisbon has a daughter?" Jane was having a hard time picturing all of this, instead he just shook his head again. "Well good for her." Silence settled over them again but this time it was tinged with bitterness. Jane was starting to feel like he had lost a lot more than a year of his life…and this was making him want to hit something. But there was one more thing that was more important then his rage. "What happened with Red John?" The two men looked at him a bit surprised but Jane pressed on. "You wouldn't have done all of this now without something changing. That means Red John. What happened?"

Rigsby looked at Cho for guidance but the other man gave a gentle shake of his head. Hmmm, so Lisbon didn't want him to know. Now that was interesting. "He didn't kill anyone," Rigsby offered.

"So what did he do?"

"Nothing."

Jane glared at him, that was the most ridiculous answer he'd ever heard. Thankfully Cho knew that he wasn't going to give up. "He sent a message, he wanted you back or he'd find you himself. So the boss decided that it was better if we did it."

He considered this information, he wasn't a fool, he knew that there was more to this story than a simple message. But Jane could believe that Red John would want him to come back, the monster felt an attachment to him and that meant keeping up the macabre game they had been playing for years.

"I'm sure this was better than what he had in mind," Jane said woodenly, "It would have been better if it didn't take almost a year to do it though."

The awkwardness sank in but fortunately didn't last long. Their flight boarded and they were able to board the plane for the hour and a half trip. They didn't speak through the entire flight; they still didn't say a word as they led him to where Cho's mustang was parked.

It was when they were back in the familiar landscape of Sacramento that Cho finally asked him. "Where do you want to go?"

Jane looked out the window. Just yesterday he felt like he'd been driving through these streets to get to the CBI. Except it wasn't yesterday. He wanted to believe that it was all a lie but he could see the truth as clear as day, a date on a newspaper, the newsreel at the bottom of the TV giving unfamiliar names and events. Every thing he should know was…gone.

"Right here." Jane told him.

They both turned to look at him. "What?"

"Let me out here."

"Why?"

"Because you asked me what I wanted and this is it."

Cho hesitated for a long moment before finally pulling the car over to the side. Jane immediately grabbed the door handle and stepped out onto the sidewalk.

"Jane! What are you going to do?" Rigsby called out after him but Jane just walked away, the truth was he didn't know either.

Right now he needed to think.

* * *

Lisbon pounced on Rigsby and Cho as soon as they walked into the bullpen, well she pounced as much as she could with her daughter sleeping in the carrier on the floor by Jane's couch. She'd been waiting on pins and needles for their plan to land and for any phone calls, but nothing, not a single word.

But when she saw them she noticed that they were definitely a man short.

"Where's Jane?"

Cho set his badge and gun on his desk, it was late and he was tired after a long two days of travel and psychic wrangling. But he did have some things to answer for too. "He told me to drop him off."

"Where?"

"The street."

Lisbon gaped at him. "What? You just left him there?"

"It's what he wanted," Cho explained.

Grace was more confused than upset. "Why would he want to be left on the street?"

"He's upset," Rigsby replied, "It's a lot to take in. Suddenly a whole year of his life is gone…and things have changed."

Lisbon looked down at her sleeping child at that comment, biting her bottom lip. Yes Rigsby was right, a lot of things had changed. God this was such a mess, a truly horrible, terrible and tragic mess. When she finally looked up she noticed that three pairs of eyes were directed at her. "What?"

"You need to tell him." Rigsby replied

She stood up, pressing her hands together as she tried to take the time to think this through. "He isn't here."

"You need to tell him."

Lisbon sighed heavily. "I don't know how to tell him any of this, he doesn't remember anything."

Cho looked at her with a steady gaze. "I told him about Cat."

"Why?"

"Because there was no way you were going to hide the fact that you have a kid."

Okay, she could understand that. But there was a lot more than just the fact that she had a child, there were far too many secrets she wasn't sure she could say. "But did you tell him…the rest?"

"No."

She nodded, more than a little relieved. "Good. Uh…he really should hear that from me." Lisbon looked down at her hands for a minute, her sweater was hiked up over her thumbs, keeping everything she didn't want seen hidden. "What else did you tell him?"

"He figured out Red John was behind this," Cho explained calmly, "but we didn't tell him what happened."

"Okay…" Lisbon said softly, ducking her head. "Anything else?"

"No."

Lisbon didn't know what to say next and apparently neither did anyone else. The silence covered the room; it was so loud she could hear her watch tick. The worst part was she could feel Cho's eyes burning holes into her. He was staring at the same way Jane could, like he was seeing through her…because he knew something.

"What is it?" she finally asked, meeting his eyes.

Cho crossed his arms over his chest; his gaze was hard and cold. "You knew. You knew how to get Jane out of this months ago."

Rigsby and Van Pelt looked stunned; obviously they hadn't quite gotten that far yet. But Lisbon didn't flinch; she just stared at Cho with a resigned look on his face. "I had an idea that it might work."

"What?" Grace said, her voice displayed shock and disappointment.

"I didn't know for sure," Lisbon said in her defense, "for all I knew it might have been nothing."

"But you were willing to try now," Cho pointed out.

"Well at this point I didn't have much of a choice," she reminded him.

Cho didn't accept that explanation. "Why didn't you try it before?"

She looked away, out of the window to the dark street below. Somewhere out there in that gloominess Jane was walking the streets, alone, sad, depressed…everything he had been before. Yes he was the man she cared for, her friend and confidant.

But he was also a tormented soul once again.

"Because he was finally happy," Lisbon said, her voice very low and hushed.

None of them really understood that answer. "He was a jackass," Grace replied.

"But he wasn't sad, he wasn't depressed, he wasn't shutting himself up in an attic playing a sick game with a psychopath," Lisbon pointed out. "He was free. He wasn't going to be hurt by Red John anymore…he wasn't going to be die trying to find him."

They were quiet as the truth behind Lisbon's words was hard to refute. They all knew that Jane was willing to give up his life and freedom to get to Red John. When he'd been in his fugue state none of that mattered. True, he'd been a selfish son of a bitch but he also hadn't been tormented by guilt and pain.

"It still was wrong," Rigsby stated.

Lisbon felt like crumbling a little. "I know…I know it was a mistake. I know very well that I messed up. And I paid for it," she said, holding up her arms, reminding them all of the horrors that happened only weeks ago. "Believe me."

Silence fell over them for a third time but Lisbon wasn't hearing her watch tick. No, this time she was hearing the steady drip like water from a faucet…except it was her blood dripping to the floor. That sound haunted her at night, every night.

Finally she turned back to them. They were staring at her, looks of pain and guilt, she knew they blamed themselves. It was foolish, the only person who had been a fault for what happened was her. She'd committed these sins.

And she'd gotten what she deserved.

"What are you going to tell him?" Grace asked, she sounded just as lost as she was.

She shook her head. "Maybe I'll know when I see him."

It was something Lisbon wanted and dreaded. She'd missed Jane for so long, the _real_ him. But she knew what was coming, Red John had told her exactly what to expect.

She just hoped she was strong enough to bear it.

* * *

For a long time all Jane did was walk.

It wasn't unusual for him to do, often when he was facing his constant insomnia he would wander aimlessly for hours. It was good exercise for the mind and body; he did his best thinking in his rambles sometimes. He needed to think, he needed to find some way to process everything that had happened.

Of course it didn't help that everywhere he looked he saw reminders of what had happened. Flyers posted showed future events for dates that seemed wrong, the VIN numbers on license plates were a year ahead of what he thought they should be. For a while he tried to force himself to remember, something, _anything_.

But for once, his "steel fortress" of a mind was failing him.

It was blank. There was nothing at all from the time he went to the crime scene to suddenly opening the door and seeing the bloody face on the wall again. He had no idea what had happened, what he had done. Rigsby and Cho said he'd gone back to being a psychic…that meant he probably did a lot of bad things.

Very bad things.

He pulled his wallet out of his pocket, this was a new one. The leather was new and obviously expensive, well his taste hadn't changed at least, just more extravagant. He took the credit cards out one by one, a couple had his own name but some were a few aliases…or maybe someone else's. He wished he knew for sure. Then again, it might be better off not knowing. Of course he knew that none of these were cards he'd had before.

Jane snapped each of them in half before tossing them in the trash. He'd have to reapply for new ones based on his real accounts. Next he flipped through the cash, grimacing at the fact that there were several hundred-dollar bills. He wasn't surprised but it didn't make him feel better knowing that he was right either.

He took out the cash keeping it in his hand, when he turned down the street he noticed the homeless man on the stoop, a dented can by his feet. Jane casually leaned down and slipped all of them in the cup, the man barely noticed but he would have a nice surprise later.

The small act of kindness made him feel a bit better…for a few seconds at least. It didn't erase the sins he'd committed before his family's death and now the addition of more, but at least he was continuing his desire to do better than he had been.

He sighed and continued walking, his mind still churning with thoughts. Inevitably they fell on the one person he thought had understood him most…and the one who had now nearly destroyed him.

Why had Lisbon done it?

Jane knew for sure that she could have stopped him from leaving. She could have taken him back to his home before he walked away and she could have helped him to remember. But she hadn't, no she had let him go off into the world and sin again. She'd let him walk away from his one quest, his one reason for actually existing.

She'd let Red John stay out there.

He was so angry with her for that. She'd let the murderer of his wife and daughter go free and clear, she knew damn well that _he_ was the only one who would be able to catch Red John but she had been content to let him go. Obviously she'd been fine with that, she'd gone on with her life, had a child now and…and now…and now what?

He didn't know.

Jane ran his hands over his face trying to come up with something but there was nothing. He had no idea how he would be able to do this. His world was upside down completely, the one bit of comfort he'd managed to have all of these years had betrayed him.

Lisbon was the only person he'd truly trusted, the only person he could really care about. It had frightened him to realize how much she meant to him; sometimes he'd wondered if maybe he was…

But those thoughts were over, gone and finished. Torn away by thoughtless actions and foolishness. All he could do now was go back to his original goal, but this time he would have to cut Lisbon off completely.

His decision was made, now he would see her tomorrow after somehow sorting out everything else.

And just like that, Jane sealed up what remained of his heart.

* * *

Lisbon was at her desk when Jane walked in. In a lot of ways it was like yesterday, granted yesterday for Jane was almost a year ago, but it was familiar to have him walk into her office. For a long moment they just stared at one another, Jane could only guess she was taking in all of the changes in him. He was doing the same to her.

She had changed, it felt strange to have it seem like it all happened overnight but he knew now it had been over ten months. Her hair was a little longer, there were darker circles under her eyes, she seemed smaller somehow like her jacket was swallowing her up. Lisbon reached up to start rubbing her right arm through the fabric of her jacket but she never took her eyes off him.

Finally she smiled softly, a very hesitant and shaky smile. "Hello, Jane."

He stared at her for a bit longer, he didn't return her smile. "Hello, Lisbon."

She cleared her throat and nervously pushed her hair back. "Cho and Rigsby kept me informed, they told me that you were coming back here. Wainwright told me that you were welcome to come back and could start Monday, provided your…memories have returned."

"Excepting the last year," Jane said pointedly.

Lisbon flinched at his statement; oh there was no denying the guilt she felt. "The doctors said that could be a side affect of your fugue state."

"You're well informed," Jane stated, "that's good." He took a few more steps closer to her and saw her tense up even more. She looked afraid, not something he was used to seeing on her. Jane saw the framed pictures on her desk; the new one of an infant that had to be her new child but he barely glanced at it.

He had no interest in her life anymore.

She noticed the terse angry way he was looking at her. "What did you come here to tell me, Jane?"

It still took a moment for Jane to be able to find the words, mostly because he was doing everything he could to keep himself calm. Finally he looked into her eyes. "Why would you do it? Why would you let me go like that when you know, you know better than anyone, that I would not want _this_?"

Lisbon closed her eyes slightly and swallowed heavily. "For once you were at peace. I wanted you to hold onto that feeling for as long as you could."

"So it didn't matter what I was doing? Or what I would have wanted? Did you even think about what would happen when I woke up one day with all of my memories back?"

"I thought—."

"No," Jane interrupted her, "You weren't thinking, you couldn't have or you would have realized that this was _wrong_."

They stared at each other again, her eyes filled with guilt while his sparked with rage. Finally she glanced down, her fingers still rubbing against her arm. "What happens now?"

"Nothing," Jane replied coolly. "I'll come back to work and continue to catch killers as you prefer." She glanced up, looking quite hopeful now but he squashed that quickly. "But make no mistake, it is not because I want to work with you again."

Her lips parted in a silent gasp and he knew he'd cut her to the bone. He wasn't finished yet, "What you did was nothing short of betrayal, I do not know how I could ever trust you again…or forgive you." He stood up straighter. "But I'll work with you because I don't have a choice, you are in charge of the Red John task force and I want that case. That's it. Things will be different from now on, don't expect the same courtesies I once showed you."

Lisbon's lips trembled just for a second but she managed to gather some strength. "I understand."

He gave her a jerky nod of his head and turned to leave the room. He didn't say goodbye, didn't wish her well.

Let her see how it would be from now on.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Lisbon picked up her daughter from the small daycare center, her little girl was so young that she fell asleep soon during the short ride home. The silence gave Lisbon plenty of time to reflect on the truly heartbreaking meeting with Jane. She hadn't expected anything less but it still hurt her so much knowing that all of this pain was her fault. And Jane didn't even know the half of it.

She took Cat's carrier out of the car, her diaper bag over one shoulder and her free hand fiddled with her keys before she managed to find her apartment key and unlock the door. Before opening it, her hand immediately went to her gun, preparing for danger, just in case.

Once inside she saw nothing amiss but she still waited just a moment, listening for any sounds of an intruder.

Nothing.

Lisbon immediately turned around and locked her apartment door, setting the chain and then the dead bolt and then finally the super heavy-duty deadbolt Rigsby had installed the day she moved in. Once that was done she felt marginally safer but not completely, she hadn't felt truly safe in over two months.

She reached down and picked her sleeping daughter up from her carrier, holding her close to her chest. Cat would wake up in a couple of hours demanding her bottle. It would have to be formula, it might have been the trauma or anxiety or maybe just her body but Lisbon hadn't been able to supply any breast milk for her daughter. She tried not to think of that as another failing.

Lisbon carried her daughter through the living room, bypassing the stack of boxes that were up against the wall. She'd only moved into this new place two weeks ago, even though it was much smaller than her old place, she still had to unpack her things.

Her bedroom was down the very small hallway, there was only one bedroom here but that was fine, she preferred it if Cat slept in her room too. It meant if something went wrong her daughter was close by.

Cat stayed asleep and her mother placed her in her crib. Lisbon smiled down at her daughter for a moment before leaning down to kiss her head. "I love you, baby girl." Her daughter snuffled a little but remained asleep and Lisbon swallowed back a wave of emotion.

She squeezed her way out of the space between her bed and the crib and stood in front of her dresser for a moment, feeling the pressing sadness once more. One tear slipped down her cheek but she brushed it away. Lisbon slipped off her suit jacket and hung it back up in her closet before taking the hem of her long-sleeved shirt and pulling it over her head to reveal…

Scars.

Her arms were crisscrossed with long angry red lines, the macabre pattern worked its way up her arms from her wrists to her elbow joint. The skin was still stiff and healing, making it difficult and sometimes painful to move her arms and fingers. The scars stared up at her, standing out proudly against her very white skin, mocking her for everything that happened, all of the pain she'd caused and endured.

Most days she refused to look at them, pulling on an oversized sweatshirt so she wouldn't have to see them anymore. But this time she stared at them, remembering every cut of the knife as it sliced its way through her skin. The sound of her blood dripping onto the floor. The pain in her belly as her contractions came, too fast too soon. And his evil laugh as he saw her giving up the fight.

Lisbon crumpled. She sank down onto her bed and began to sob.

She cried for the happiness she'd lost, for the love she longed for but had destroyed, for the baby she'd welcomed into this world despite her sins, for the life she knew was forfeit. But mostly it was for despair, the sadness that she had brought this all onto herself.

She hugged herself with ruined arms and buried her face into her pillow so she wouldn't have to see her scars anymore.

* * *

A/N: Jane is pissed! And Lisbon's arms are covered in scars! And she has a baby! Hehehe you'll find out soon enough what caused all of that, the real question is...when will Jane see it?


	2. Fear and Dreams

Disclaimer: We own nothing

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: sorry about the long wait, co authoring this means sometimes we are at the mercy of each other's schedules and things got screwy on Tin's end. More than that we had a bit of writer's block but we managed to break through it. So glad you guys enjoyed this story, soon I promise you'll see the origins of Lisbon's scars! So here it is! Chapter 2!

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: Balancing work, school and fun isn't easy, but I finally found some time for this fic. I'm very happy with this chapter, even if I want to kick Jane every five seconds. I hope you all enjoy it.

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Anonymous:** You're wait is over! Here it is!

**Anonymous: **We never gave a thought to not finishing it, we have so much planned for this story!

**AthyCasey: **Awwww thanks so much, so glad you enjoyed The Best Mistake! Well have no fear, this one has been updated.

**Kathy:** True although that was Fugue Jane, Non fugue Jane feels rather differently. It's kind of an enigma, Jane did and did not want to know. It's hard to say if she did the wrong or the right thing, especially since it came from her trying to do what she thought might be best for him.

**Anonymous:** You'll find out about the scars. They are a HUGE part of the story, Jane is going to have his own reaction when he finally sees them.

**wickyVicky: ** Yes Jane is NOT happy with Lisbon for letting this happen, hard to blame him really. Lisbon has NOT been kidnapped by RJ, he did something else to her that you'll see eventually. Jane right now is trying to avoid showing any interest in Lisbon's life, that means just ignoring her new child which means he's missing something VERY important hehehe

**Daphne:** Awww thanks so much! Sorry for the wait

* * *

Chapter 2: Fear and Dreams

_ Lisbon watched as the police cruisers pulled up in the parking lot one by one, sirens blaring. The sun was still climbing almost noon but still morning, never too soon for SACPD to come at a time like this. It was no surprise that the rest of her team came around the same time, their faces looks of shock and horror…all except Grace. Grace was the one who had found the scene, checking up after a late morning and a night of silence._

_ It was Rigsby who took the screaming baby while also trying to console the weeping woman. Cho was going into agent mode, even if he was still visibly shaken. She actually saw a tear leak from his eyes, the iceman was crying._

_ The last one to arrive was Jane. For a second he stayed in his car, she couldn't see what he was doing but finally he stepped out. He was dry eyed, his face cold and impassive, but he was also very focused. She watched him as he stepped into the apartment, glancing at the rest of the team. He briefly noticed the baby but that was all, he didn't step towards anyone, just met Cho's eyes for a moment and headed straight for the bedroom._

_ Cho followed him but Jane barely noticed, Lisbon just continued to watch as he made the short trek to the hallway and into the bedroom._

_ The place reeked of blood, the coppery bitter smell hung in the air, but the first thing anyone noticed was the red face grinning from the wall. The face was a deep red, still wet in places where the blood had dripped. Its macabre pattern was one they all knew well, far too well._

_ And below that on the bed was the body, lying in the middle of soiled and bloodied sheets. He'd ripped her sweatshirt off; it lay in a tangled heap beside her. He'd wanted the scars to be visible for all to see. But the scarred arms paled in comparison to the gruesome cuts on her chest, the deep slit in her throat and her eyes now pale and clouded with death._

_ Lisbon saw that her own face was calm in death, not frightened but resigned._

_ Jane stared at her body and she wondered what he thought. He hadn't known that this would happen, hadn't been aware of anything that had happened before. She hadn't told anyone what Red John's plans for her had been. It wasn't because she didn't trust them…she just didn't want them to become collateral damage, not when this was all her fault to begin with._

_ But all she could do was hope and pray that her actions since then were enough to redeem her in Jane's eyes. Not in life but in death. Her death could bring him what he wanted; her death and everything she had left for him could give him Red John._

_ Jane stared at her body, at the smiling face on the wall but he did nothing. He didn't get angry or upset; he didn't shed a single tear. Just looked at Lisbon's dead body with no expression at all. Finally he turned away from the gruesome visage._

_ He met Cho's eyes who stared back at him, waiting for something, anything from Jane that would resemble pain. Lisbon was waiting too._

_ But Jane's eyes were cold._

_ "She had it coming," he declared before turning and walking out of the bedroom. Leaving her body underneath the bloody smile where she belonged…_

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Lisbon woke up with a start, she was sweating and panting but at least this time she hadn't screamed. Cat was still asleep in her crib, it was early anyways but she knew that she wasn't going to go back to sleep. So she stumbled out of her bed and to the one bathroom across the hall.

She stripped out of her clothing, doing what she could to ignore the scars on her arms as she took off the sweatshirt she'd slept in. At least her arms were no longer wrapped in thick bandages; she had almost full freedom of movement again, even if a twinge of pain still happened when her skin twisted a little.

The shower was steaming hot though she had to be careful to not stay in too long or risk it running out. Still it helped to clear the cobwebs and shake off the residual effects of her dream. Finally she stepped out of the shower and wrapped herself up in a towel. The first thing she did was put her bra and long sleeved shirt on before she'd even finished drying, then at least she didn't have to see the scars anymore.

Cat's whimpers interrupted her prepping time and Lisbon had to quickly pull a brush through her wet hair before heading out to check on her daughter. A diaper change cheered her daughter up immediately and she took the baby down the hall to the kitchen so she could fix her bottle for her.

The rest of the morning was as routine and it could be these days. She dressed her daughter and packed all of the essentials before finally finishing getting dressed herself. A jacket added to the layer to keep any possible slip of her sleeves from happening before she pulled her now frizzy hair back into a ponytail. Well at least she looked somewhat presentable, she couldn't find the effort to care though.

The baby was left at the daycare center though Lisbon still felt that fear every time she did this. If there was some way she could keep Cat with her every minute of the day she would do it, there was no way she could really trust anyone at the center, no matter what their background checks said. At least Lisbon took some relief in knowing that in a public facility Cat was as safe as she could be…which wasn't very.

Finally she pulled up at the CBI and made her way to the bullpen. She knew that her team would already be there and she was prepared for it. Jane would be coming back today. He'd taken some time to get some things together, he hadn't spoken to her but she knew that Rigsby and Cho had been mediators. She'd been able to return his car that she'd put in storage for him. But Lisbon doubted that would help him to forgive her.

Lisbon smiled softly at the three agents on her team, they saw her quickly and returned her greeting. "Hey, boss," Rigsby said, still sipping his coffee.

"Hey," she replied setting her briefcase down and nervously ringing her hands. "Jane hasn't come in today yet has he?"

"Not yet," Grace told her, "but if he said he'll be here I'm sure he will soon."

"Good." Why did she sound so small? But there were things she had to do; she needed to make sure they knew exactly what was happening between her and Jane. So Lisbon took a deep breath and pressed on. "I did talk to Jane, he came to the office the night he returned to Sacramento."

They stared at her, quiet and more then a little apprehensive. It must have been from her demeanor that they already knew it hadn't been a pleasant conversation. But there were other things that they knew had to be said, things that only they were privy to at the moment. "What did you say?" Rigsby asked.

Lisbon pressed her lips into a firm line. "He told me that he considered my actions a betrayal. That he would work with me because of the Red John case but that I shouldn't expect our friendship to be as it once was by any means. He's very, very angry with me."

Cho was studying her, his arms crossed and his face cold. Rigsby and Grace were reacting to the news that Jane and Lisbon weren't going to be happy with each other anymore. But Cho was focused on the underlying truth she hadn't yet revealed.

"You didn't tell him did you?"

Lisbon's face fell a little and her shoulders slumped, then she shook her head. "No." He looked disappointed in her, which is why she rushed to defend herself. "It really was not the right time."

"Will it ever be?"

That was a damn good question. "I…I don't know." Perhaps he was surprised that she was being so honest here but she wasn't going to be able to lie to their faces, not now. "Jane deserves time to himself, time to get his life back together and work on finding Red John in peace. He doesn't need me dropping another bombshell into his lap."

"When he finds out he's going to be pissed."

There was no arguing with that point. "I will tell him," Lisbon assured them, "but he needs time…_I_ need time."

"This isn't right," Grace argued, "He should know. _Now_."

"None of this is right," she admitted, "not one single part of this situation is right from the moment I let him walk out this building with no memory of who he really was. If there was some way I could handle this the 'right way' I would but I can't. I can't just keep on hurting him all at once. I need to give him time to breathe, time to get back to what he really wants most in life: Red John."

Cho nodded. "Are you going to tell him about Red John?"

Lisbon shook her head again and the man threw his pen down in disgust. "This isn't about Jane. I want to just forget about what happened between me and Red John."

"It is about Jane," Rigsby reminded her. "Red John was behind all of this, what happened with you, bringing him back. This is what he wanted."

"And now things will get back to how Jane wants it," Lisbon continued, "a game between them and them alone. He does not need to know about what Red John did to me."

"Why not?"

Lisbon faltered as she tried to put her feelings into words. "Because one of two things will happen. Jane will either blame me or himself…and I can't handle either right now."

She sighed heavily and looked at each of them. "I will tell him everything. But it has to come from me. For now, just let me do this my way, it's my life and my family. I screwed it up and I will sort it out."

"It's Jane's life too."

Lisbon paused for a moment. "Only if he wants it to be…and right now he doesn't." She didn't wait around to argue this point anymore but grabbed her briefcase and headed straight for her office.

They couldn't understand why she was doing things this way, why she was all right with leaving Jane in the dark over everything that had happened. But the truth was that they didn't know everything that had happened either, she wasn't just keeping secrets from Jane but from them as well.

She had let Jane walk out that door a year ago because she wanted to protect him from Red John. Now she was keeping secrets from him for exactly the same reason.

Her sins were still being sown.

* * *

Things were almost normal when Jane arrived at the CBI. If he could ignore the fact that he had never been this angry before in his life then he could easily pretend that it was just another day on the job. Excepting that it was a year later then he remembered it being.

He'd spent most of the time preparing for this day, watching news reports and reading newspapers, trying to discover everything he had missed in the past year. Most of it was for naught, mostly about disasters and distant tragedies, nothing that truly affected him or the people close to him.

In the end Jane recognized that the only true course he could take was to carry on with his life, even with the eleven month long gaping hole in his memory.

That didn't mean he was willing to forgive those who were responsible, namely one. Jane didn't know what made him angrier, the fact that Lisbon had let him go out in the world with no memories or inhibitions…or that she'd let him lose a year he could have spent trying to find Red John. In either case it was a betrayal of everything their relationship had stood for.

He tried not to think of everything else that had happened too. Jane didn't know who fathered Lisbon's new child and he didn't care…much.

As for the rest of the team, well he was miffed they went along with this he also knew that the true perpetrator was Lisbon. She should rightly get most of the blame and it would be far easier to forgive the team then her. He would have to work with all of them anyways in order to keep up the Red John case.

If there was one thing it he was good at it was hiding his emotions though, he could adapt to this new reality it just meant he wouldn't have Lisbon's friendship to fall back on anymore. The road in front of him look dark and gloomy but Jane didn't care, he wanted to sever that pain as quickly as possible.

It felt normal and strange all at the same time as he made his way to the bullpen, nothing had changed but he was inherently aware that everything was different too. Eyes followed him, which wasn't all together unusual, he just ignored them. When he did see his old friends he was at a loss as to what to say actually.

The mundane would work, business, making it clear that he wasn't here for much else. "Do we have a case?"

Three heads looked up to gape at him as if he were another oddity as opposed to their friend. To their credit a bit of shame and embarrassment clouded their features, they obviously felt some guilt over what had happened even if the blame did not fall primarily onto their shoulders.

It was Cho who found his voice first, not much of a surprise there. "Not yet."

Jane nodded. "Don't mind me then."

Grace glanced at him, her pretty face slightly umber now. "How are you Jane?"

"As fine as can be expected." Jane knew his tone was a little hard, perhaps he was angrier at them than he'd assumed…or maybe his anger at Lisbon was bleeding through.

"It's good to have you back," she offered softly, "we all missed you."

He smiled at her. "I wish I could say the same but I can't remember one way or the other." His self-deprecating humor was like a needle scratching a record. Grace turned an even darker shade of red and cast her eyes away. It was an interesting reaction that Jane chose as an opportunity. "Did anything interesting happen while I was away? Anything I should know about?"

Three pairs of eyes looked at one another…but never once at him.

Now that was _very_ interesting. Even more compelling was their silence.

He thought about pursuing it further but wasn't sure if that would garner him any real information at this moment. Besides…they weren't the ones he really felt betrayed him. "No? Well I thought as much," he replied as if dismissing it. That wasn't the entire truth; he was shelving it for a later date after he figured out more on his own.

Before anymore uncomfortable conversation could begin, Lisbon made her appearance. She entered the bullpen slowly, like an errant child about to be punished by a parent. She actually didn't look much bigger than a child actually, her jacket was a little large for her frame and her already pale face was rather pallid.

Jane noticed those things…but did nothing.

She glanced at him nervously but looked away when she saw that he wasn't paying her any attention, at lease that is what she assumed. "Uh, SACPD called, someone found a body off of I-5, they want us to take it." She sounded very unsure which was the exact opposite of the Lisbon he knew. Perhaps this was just from being nervous around him…but somehow Jane doubted it. There was something else…he just had no idea what it was.

"Cho, you can meet us there, Rigsby, why don't you get the car ready and we'll meet you in ten."

The three teammates quickly scrambled to do as they were bid; this is what they were good at. Following her orders to the letter.

Lisbon stared at him, rubbing at her right arm through her sleeve. "Jane…are you coming?"

He was tempted to say 'no' if only to see how she would react to that but Jane wanted this opportunity to show everyone how things were going to be from now on. So instead he nodded. "Of course." His voice was low and terse…and he didn't look at her. Not once.

Jane stood up from his couch and walked past her as if she meant nothing to him anymore.

And one day, if he kept telling himself this, it would be true.

* * *

None of the team members deluded themselves into believing that this case would feel like old times. So much had changed in eleven months. Everything had shattered like an old bottle of wine. Now they had all of the pieces, but could they really glue it all back together. Grace Van Pelt had her doubts.

If anything, this case proved how horribly wrong everything was. They solved the murder, but Lisbon was only a ghost of her former self. Meanwhile, Jane had all the warmth of a block of ice in the South Pole. He was all right with them, but showed none of the affection he had before when Lisbon was in the room. But even with them, he was suspicious. He knew. He knew they were hiding things from him. It was Jane, he could always see secrets.

Which is why the three of them were huddled in the break room discussing said secrets.

"I think he knows," Rigsby said.

"He doesn't know," Cho insisted.

"He has to know. It's Jane."

"He doesn't know."

"How do you know?"

"Because he'd be mad as hell at us if he did."

Grace stirred absently at her coffee, watching as it swirled inside of her cup. "Should we tell him?"

"Which part?" Rigsby asked.

"Both? Or maybe just the one?"

Cho shook his head. "It will only make things worse."

"We can't hide all of this forever," Grace said, "And he's going to be really mad when he finds out we were hiding all of this, just like he is at Lisbon."

"Did you see how he was treating her?" Rigsby asked.

Grace nodded. "Hard to miss. He wouldn't even look at her. I knew he would be angry, but this…I don't know if he even has the will to forgive her."

"Yeah. Something to look forward to when he finds out what we know," Rigsby said dryly.

"He already knows we're hiding something, he just doesn't know what. Right now he's too angry at Lisbon to care about us. Hell, it's even blinding him to the painfully obvious truth."

"I know, but don't you think…?" Grace stopped short. Somehow saying _it_ aloud was crossing a line, like Jane would somehow hear it despite the fact that he was shut away in his attic.

"Maybe we should let Lisbon tell him," Rigsby said, "it concerns her the most."

"That will take awhile," Cho reminded him, "She's not ready yet."

"Then I guess we wait," Grace said. They'd had plenty of practice in that for the past eleven months. Why not keep practicing? Who knows, maybe if they waited long enough everything would find it's way back together.

Doubtful, but maybe.

* * *

Jane was not fond of loose ends. He never had been. When confronted with a mystery, he had to know every facet of the truth before he could drop it and move on. It was partly why he was so good at solving crimes. Now he was faced with a different kind of mystery altogether: what had happened to him during those eleven months now blocked in his mind?

That was why he sat himself down in the attic with the door locked and the windows all shut. The attic was set far enough above the usual din of the CBI, but their was just enough noise to be soothing. He sat down on the little cot and shut his eyes.

He let the recess of his mind focus on his goal—remembering—while he focus on relaxing all of the stress and tension out of his body. The feeling of lightness set in and he imagined a staircase of ten steps. Slowly he descended those steps, counting at he went. At step five, his feet touched cool water. Down, down he went until he was submerged completely in the pure liquid.

Now he had to swim to his goal, the one thing he wanted now. The one thing he knew and yet couldn't access. There was a box beneath the water that he had to swim to get. The box was easy to open, he told himself, so it would be just as easy to remember. He returned to the staircase and began to climb again, this time the water receding as he went up. He chanted, _awake, awake, awake,_ as he went. Then he opened his eyes when he reached the tenth step.

Jane blinked a few times as his mind caught up to him. He'd only every hypnotized himself before to relax and clear his head, never to actually reach a goal. It took a moment for him to shake the odd sensation. A peak at his watch told him he had been under for over a half an hour though it had felt like a few minutes.

The tea he'd put in the thermos was only slightly warmer than lukewarm, but it was still refreshing. Now he felt a bit more alert and focused. Perfect. He thought back on the past eleven months, thought back to where he'd been and what he'd seen and saw…

Nothing.

It hadn't worked. He still couldn't remember anything. The fugue state was just too powerful for him to breach.

Jane took another sip of his tea and then shoved it aside. Well this was frustrating. Hypnotizing oneself wasn't an easy thing, nor was it quite as persuasive as being hypnotized by a professional. He didn't trust anyone to hypnotize him, though, so it seemed he was out of ideas.

Jane spoke to no one of his disappointment. He left the CBI later that evening and returned to his motel room for a good night's sleep. Sleep was often a struggle for him, but being angry at the world was rather an exhausting chore. He sank easily into his dreams for once.

_There was knock at the door, but it was far to late for housekeeping. Patrick put down his class of champagne and opened the door. It was not a surprise to find Teresa Lisbon behind it. In truth, he had been expecting her._

_ "Agent Lisbon, how lovely to see you again," he said, "Would you like a drink?"_

_ "No, thank you," she said. She looked over his shoulder into the hotel suite. Her lovely eyes widened when she noticed the expensive bottle of champagne chilling in the ice bucket. "I need you."_

_ Patrick's smile broadened. "I thought so."_

_ "I mean, I need you to come with me." She blushed prettily. "I need to do something with you."_

_ "Oh I agree," he said. Though he knew her thoughts were not matching his. He had far different plans for what he wanted to do with her tonight._

_ "Look, I know I said I'd let you go, but I…I can't do that. You, the real you, wouldn't want this. So please come with me."_

_ He had no intention of going anywhere with her except third base. He didn't know about this other Patrick Jane, this sad, pathetic man this woman cared about, but he did know one thing. He was going to sample the delights that Jane had denied himself. What reasonable man wouldn't?_

_ "I understand," he said with false sincerity, "How about you come in and we discuss this over a drink?"_

_ Lisbon shook her pretty head. "No, I don't think that's a good idea."_

_ "Please, Agent Lisbon," he insisted, "I promise I'll listen to everything you have to say if you just have one drink with me."_

_ She bit her bottom lip in a way that wasn't supposed to be seductive, but sure got his blood heated. He knew she was debating the merits of his sincerity, but he also knew she would fail to protect her fragile little heart. He smiled when he knew he'd won._

_ "Okay. Just one drink."_

_ She stepped inside of the room and he shut the door behind her. Now for the fun to really begin._

Jane woke up and nearly expected to find himself in that luxury hotel suite. But one look at the cracked ceiling and plaid curtains told him he was back in his motel where he really belonged.

It had been a dream. The hotel, the champagne and…Lisbon. Yet in his dream, he had wanted to seduce her, that had been painfully obvious.

_"You, the real you, wouldn't want this. So please come with me."_

That was what she'd said. She must have been referring to when he was in his fugue state. Had he dreamed of that because he was trying to remember what had happened. Or…was it not a dream? Was it perhaps something much more than that?

A memory.

* * *

Lisbon felt even worse as she prepared to go in to work for the second day with Jane again. She had known that things would be different, but Jane's cold indifference was not something she could prepare herself for. He barely spoke to her, never looked at her; it was the kind of anger she'd never seen before. Like she didn't even exist to him anymore.

Maybe she didn't.

She couldn't even muster up a smile when she was around her daughter anymore. That was the hard thing, how this sadness was pervading her entire life at the moment. She wanted to be a good mother for her child, after all this child might be the only good thing she'd done in the past year…but it was so hard when all she wanted to do was cry. She really had ruined everything.

There was little that she could do but go on with her life and hope that maybe some day Jane would find a way to forgive her. The truth was that she was terrified over telling him the rest of her secrets, on one hand she didn't know how he would react, on the other what if telling him only made him a target? She wasn't sure what would happen if he found out, misjudging the game between Jane and Red John was what had made her life so much more tragic in the first place.

Lisbon was still waiting for Jane to see right through her. She honestly didn't know how he'd missed so much already. A part of her wondered if this was more punishment, that he was letting her fret over this but deep down she knew that wasn't true. There was no way Jane would ever miss something as obvious as this, not unless he truly cared so little about her that he didn't even bother to put forth the effort. Somehow she knew that was the problem.

That was what made it worse, how easy Jane could dismiss her.

Her morning routine seemed even slower with this fact. She felt a bit like she was just sleep walking through her life, the crushing sadness making her whole body feel heavy and slow. Her baby girl was quiet for once, not babbling or laughing like her usually cheerful self. It was almost as if Cat was aware that her mother was depressed, maybe she was, it wouldn't surprise Lisbon in the least.

After leaving her daughter at the daycare center she plodded to the CBI and her office where she could get back to what was rapidly becoming her new life. Lisbon picked up the reports that she had to finish looking over and all of the paperwork that was necessary after an arrest. It was mind numbing and just what she needed to focus on so she could ignore how sad she was.

A couple hours of tedium passed by and she hadn't left her office once, no one had stopped by either, it would take time for her to get used to Jane not barging in to her office to entertain her for a little while.

That was when her computer beeped and a little box came up declaring that she had a new instant message. That was a little strange; people didn't usually send instant messages when a phone call or a text would do. She stared at the box for a minute, a bad feeling knotting in her stomach as she clicked the button to accept it.

The screen name TygerTyger appeared marked in dark red.

_"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."_

_ I'm pleased to see that you followed my instructions and even more so with Patrick's wrath. I knew he would resent you but even I am amazed at the depths of his rage. Betrayal is not something he will forgive easily._

_ Do not think your suffering has saved you, this is precisely what I hoped would happen. Misery is a perfect precursor before the blade finds its mark. I am surprised that you have decided not to tell him the truth about your child; it appears you are now seeking out ways to cause yourself pain. You know his reaction will be quite rash; I'm looking forward to seeing it._

_ One last question. What is worse? The nightmares you conjure up or the memory of the sound of your blood dripping onto the floor?_

_ We will meet again soon._

He ended the message with the initials RJ but Lisbon hadn't needed that signature to know who this was.

She heard something rattling in the room but she couldn't take her eyes off of her computer screen for her to see what it was. Finally she realized that it was her, her hands were shaking so much it was making her desk rattle. Lisbon pushed away was her whole body quivered and she tried to get herself under control.

But her chest started heaving as she struggled to breathe, her stomach twisted up so much she started coughing and dry heaving, she didn't have anything vomit. Her heart was racing and she couldn't feel her fingers anymore and finally she just curled up in her chair and waited for the panic attack to pass.

Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.

He was watching her. He knew she'd done as he'd asked and that Jane was back. He knew she was still keeping secrets. And he hadn't forgotten his promise from two months ago.

Lisbon ran on hand over her left arm, her palm could feel the irregularities in her skin, the raised bumps and ridges that marked where her scars were. Oddly enough the movement was calming and Lisbon felt her heart start to slow down. She still felt lightheaded and her body twitched with adrenaline but she wasn't losing control anymore.

She shouldn't be doing this, shouldn't be panicking like this. She knew what Red John had planned, she even knew that Jane's return would certainly only hasten it. He'd said it himself as he'd cut that knife into her skin, the blood flowing out of her and dripping onto the floor. The wages of sin is death.

So that is what she would have to wait for.

* * *

It had been a dim hope that the Red John case file would enlighten him on the secrets the team was hiding, but Jane did feel some disappointment at the failure. It would be easy if the file had been changed and would tell him everything he needed to know. Easy, but unlikely.

He knows the team has secrets. None of them, not even stone faced Cho, have what it takes to hide the guilty looks in their eyes whenever they see him. They want to tell him something, but they are being compelled to bite their tongues and wait. Wait for him to figure it out on his own or, more likely, for Lisbon to tell him. There was no doubt in his mind that she was the instigator for all of this.

His own anger and pride kept him from doing the obvious thing and asking her what the hell was going on. He tried to comb through the file some more, but there was nothing to be gained from it. His only choice was to buckle down and see what he could glean from the source.

Jane stopped outside Lisbon's office and stared at her through the glass. He hadn't meant to do that, but seeing her…she was so different. She looked the same mostly, a little thinner and with dark circles under her eyes and pale. It was her whole attitude. This wasn't the vibrant, ballsy woman who could take down a two-hundred and eighty pound man with a few good blows. He couldn't find that feisty Lisbon he once knew. She had changed in the past year.

She was so absorbed in her computer, her hands clenching the desk so tightly he could see the whites of he knuckles. He didn't dare just barge in like he used to for fear she would shatter like a crystal vase. He knocked on the door. Lisbon looked up. Her eyes were wide and dilated.

"Jane," she said his name in almost a whisper. "Wha—what do you need?"

It was on the tip of his tongue to ask her what was wrong. He would have before. His whole body tingled with the need to get her a cup of coffee and a triple chocolate chip cookie to soothe her every hurt. It had always been his job to make her feel better, but right now her pain was more telling than anything else.

"I need to know about Red John." He said and waited for her response.

Lisbon's already colorless pallor whitened to the color of milk. "Jane…I don't want to talk about him."

"Well that's a shame, but since you had no regard to what I wanted, why should I do the same for you?" he said in a cool, clipped tone. He chose to ignore the hurt look in her eyes.

"Please," she said instead, "Not now."

"I want to know what Red John did."

"He didn't do anything."

It was a pathetic lie, one she didn't even try to hide. "I was told you needed to me to come back, so obviously he did do something."

"He didn't kill anyone."

"That's not what I meant," Jane said. It was clear Red John hadn't murdered anyone recently, at least no one the world knew about. "He's done something that made you come for me. What was it?"

"It…it doesn't matter."

"I think it does. What was the message?"

"He just wanted you back in the game, Jane," Lisbon said, "And we knew we had no choice. That's all that matters."

"Lisbon—." He cut himself off when she grabbed her bag from under the desk and dumped her keys, phone and a file inside. "Where are you going?"

"I need to pick up Cat."

Oh yes, the baby. He was still trying to wrap his mind around the fact that Lisbon was a mother. "Lisbon, we need to talk about this."

She shook her head at him. "Please, Jane, I can't."

"You can't or you won't?"

Her green eyes no longer sparkled as they used to. Instead they were flat and filled with guilt and something else. Could it be…fear? "I can't," she said again.

He didn't bother to stop her from leaving. She wasn't going to talk, not today. He would have to find the answers through more devious ways.

* * *

Lisbon managed to keep her panic attack a secret from the rest of the team; they didn't need to know that Red John had sent her a message. She was already keeping secrets from them, what was one more? They might not agree with that reasoning but Lisbon also knew that this was the best way to protect them. She tried not to think about the irony of her keeping secrets when she'd lectured Jane about that dozens of times, she was even using his excuse…for the exact same reason.

Her daughter was still her cheerful self when she picked her up from daycare. Cat was blissfully unaware of the danger and fears her mother faced, the only problems she cared about was when she would get her next bottle and staring intently at the little toy star hanging from the handle of her car seat.

She took Cat home and fixed her a bottle of formula, reheating some old Chinese takeout for herself, which she mostly just picked at. Cat was wide-awake for another couple of hours before she finally drifted off to sleep after her ten o'clock feeding. Then Lisbon got into action.

The first thing she did was make sure all of the windows were bolted, she'd long since invested in the thick heavy ones that she hoped would keep any intruders from breaking in. The fact that she wasn't on the ground floor also helped.

She also checked the front door, locking it and then moving her club chair in front of it for extra protection. After that she checked all of her guns, cleaning and loading her favorite Glock before getting everything else ready. Cat was still fast asleep when her mother carefully put her in her car seat, making sure she was buckled in and secure. Then Lisbon took out the two plastic tubs of Cat's clothing that she kept in her closet, the dresser didn't have enough room for all of Cat's and her things, and neither did the closet. She put the tubs against the door as a crude alarm.

Then Lisbon tucked Cat into the empty space in the closet before following and crouching on the ground beside her, gun firmly clenched in her hand. This way when Red John showed up at the very least she would be facing him. It might not be enough to save her…but she would have a fighting chance.

She stayed there in the cramped dark closet while her little girl slept calmly beside her. Lisbon waited, her heart pounding in her ears, every tiny noise making her jump. Her palms were sweating, the gun sliding in her grip but she never let it go. It was the only true weapon she had.

The minutes and then the hours ticked by and fatigue began to sink in. Sometime in the early hours she leaned her head against the back wall of the closet and closed her eyes for a minute.

The alarm went off at its normal time and Lisbon was jolted awake. She had to stumble out of the closet to turn it off, the commotion making Cat whimper a bit before going back to sleep.

Lisbon stood in her tiny bedroom, blinking in the early morning light. She was exhausted and sore from getting too little sleep inside of small cramped closet. But she didn't care.

"I'm alive," she whispered to herself. "I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive."

She sank down onto her bed as the tears fell down her cheeks, she was so relieved. He hadn't come; she still had at least one more day of life, one more day with her team, with Jane, with her child. One more day.

Perhaps more. She knew that Red John was playing a new game; he might be taking his time to relish her fear. In the end it didn't matter if it was tomorrow or next year. The facts were still the same.

Red John was going to kill her…and she didn't think she could stop him.

* * *

A/N: Red John is playing a very very sick game with Lisbon...and it's only going to get worse! Hehehe Hope you guys enjoyed this little taste. Now that we've set the groundwork watch for more to come!

Next chapter: Jane continues to try and remember the past year...and starts to have even more VIVID dreams about Lisbon while she struggles with the burden of keeping the truth about her daughter and her messages from Red John a secret...


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